You Cannot Shame a Child Into Becoming Their Best Self

Accountability helps children understand their choices. Shame teaches them to question their worth.

There is a moment many adults recognize.

A child has done something they should not have done. Perhaps they lied, ignored a direction, hurt someone’s feelings, lost control in public, or made the same mistake for what feels like the hundredth time.

The adult is frustrated. Maybe embarrassed. Maybe overwhelmed. Maybe already carrying far more than anyone can see.

And out comes a sentence meant to make the child understand:

“What is wrong with you?”

“You know better.”

“Why do you always do this?”

“You are being ridiculous.”

“Everyone is looking at you.”

The intention may be correction. The message the child receives is often something else entirely:

I am the problem.

That is the line between accountability and shame.

Accountability helps a child understand: I made a choice that caused harm, and I can take responsibility for what happens next.

Shame teaches: My mistake revealed who I really am—and who I am is bad, difficult, disappointing, or unworthy of belonging.

Children need boundaries. They need correction, consequences, and adults who are willing to tell them the truth. But we cannot shame a child into becoming their best self.

We can only make them afraid to let us see the parts that are still learning.

Shame May Create Compliance, but Compliance Is Not the Same as Growth

Shame can appear effective in the moment.

A child becomes quiet. They stop arguing. They apologize quickly. They promise never to do it again. From the outside, it may look as if the message finally got through.

But silence does not always mean understanding. An apology does not always mean reflection. Sometimes the child has simply learned that the fastest way back to safety is to become small.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends discipline that teaches and reinforces appropriate behavior rather than strategies that threaten, insult, humiliate, or shame children. Its guidance recognizes that discipline is supposed to help children learn—not merely make unwanted behavior disappear in front of an adult. (American Academy of Pediatrics)

When children expect humiliation, they may become more focused on escaping the adult’s anger than understanding the effect of their choices. They may hide mistakes, blame someone else, lie to avoid punishment, attack back, or become intensely self-critical.

Research has repeatedly found meaningful differences between shame-proneness and guilt-proneness. In one study spanning children through adults, shame-proneness was associated with more destructive responses to anger, while guilt-proneness was associated with constructive responses such as corrective action and non-hostile discussion. (Tangney and colleagues)

But this does not mean adults should make children feel guilty. Guilt-tripping is still manipulation. The healthier goal is to keep the child’s attention on the specific behavior, its impact, and what repair could look like—without turning the behavior into a verdict on the child’s character.

Correct the Choice, Not the Child’s Identity

There is an enormous difference between saying:

“You are so mean.”

and:

“What you said was hurtful. Let’s talk about what happened and how you can help repair it.”

One defines the child. The other names the behavior.

“You are lazy” is an identity.

“This responsibility was not completed” is information.

“You are a liar” tells a child what they are.

“You told me something that was not true, and that affected my trust” tells them what happened and what now needs attention.

Specific language does not excuse the behavior. It makes accountability clearer.

When we separate the child from the choice, we preserve the possibility of change. We tell them: You are still part of this family, classroom, troop, or community. This choice matters. The harm matters. And you are capable of doing something different.

Belonging should not disappear the moment accountability enters the room.

In fact, children are more able to face the truth when they know the truth will not cost them their fundamental worth.

“You Know Better” Does Not Always Mean “You Can Do Better Right Now”

Adults often assume that if a child can explain a rule, they can consistently follow it.

But knowing what to do and being able to access that knowledge in a difficult moment are not always the same thing.

A child may know they should use a calm voice and still lose access to that skill when overwhelmed. They may understand a direction but struggle to begin a task. They may want to stop interrupting but have difficulty holding a thought. They may recognize another person’s feelings after the moment has passed but be unable to process those feelings while their own nervous system is flooded.

This is especially important for neurodivergent children, highly sensitive children, children with trauma histories, and children whose communication or regulation does not match adult expectations.

How often is a child called lazy when they are stuck?

Disrespectful when they are dysregulated?

Dramatic when they are overwhelmed?

Manipulative when they do not yet have the language to explain what is happening inside them?

Understanding what contributed to a behavior is not the same as pretending the behavior did not matter. Context and accountability can exist together.

We can say, “I understand that you were overwhelmed, and it is still not okay to hurt someone.”

We can help the child regulate, then return to what happened.

We can adjust an environment, teach a missing skill, and still expect repair.

The goal is not to remove responsibility. It is to give the child enough support to actually carry it.

Sometimes Shame Begins With an Overwhelmed Adult

This is an uncomfortable part of the conversation, but an important one.

Adults do not always use shame because they are cruel. Sometimes we reach for shame because we are dysregulated.

The child’s behavior makes us feel ignored, powerless, embarrassed, disrespected, or judged. We want the behavior to stop immediately, and making the child feel bad can seem like the fastest way to regain control.

Many adults are also repeating what was modeled for them. They were called selfish so they would share. Lazy so they would work harder. Dramatic so they would stop crying. Disrespectful so they would stop questioning an adult.

They learned to behave—but often at the cost of trusting their own needs, emotions, or perceptions.

Naming this is not about shaming parents, teachers, or youth leaders for having used shame. That would only recreate the very pattern we are trying to interrupt.

Adults are allowed to be learning, too.

The question is not whether we have handled every moment perfectly. None of us have.

The question is what we do when we realize we caused harm.

Repair Is Part of Leadership

An adult apology does not weaken authority. It demonstrates what accountability looks like.

It can sound like:

“I was frustrated, but the way I spoke to you was not okay.”

“I called you lazy when I should have asked what was making the task difficult.”

“Your choice still needs to be addressed, and I want to address it without attacking who you are.”

“I embarrassed you in front of other people. I am sorry. You did not deserve that.”

Notice that repair does not require the adult to erase the original boundary. Both truths can remain:

Your behavior was not okay, and neither was mine.

That is powerful modeling. It teaches children that accountability is not a punishment reserved for the person with the least power. It is a practice that protects relationships.

What Accountability Can Sound Like

Accountability is not vague niceness. It is clear, grounded, and connected to action.

It asks:

• What happened?

• Who was affected?

• What were you feeling or needing in that moment?

• What part of this belongs to you?

• What can you do to repair the harm?

• What support or skill might help you make a different choice next time?

Not every child will be ready to answer immediately. A flooded nervous system is rarely prepared for a thoughtful conversation. Sometimes the most responsible choice is to create safety, allow time for regulation, and return to accountability when the child can participate in it.

That is not “letting them get away with it.”

It is choosing learning over performance.

Children Are Still Becoming

Every child is in the middle of becoming someone.

They are experimenting with power, truth, independence, belonging, emotion, and repair. They will make choices that inconvenience us. They will misuse skills they have only just begun to develop. They will sometimes know better and still fail to do better.

The adults around them become part of the voice they carry into that becoming.

Will that voice say:

You always ruin everything?

Or will it say:

This caused harm. Let’s tell the truth, make what repair we can, and practice another way.

A child should be able to make a mistake without believing the mistake has revealed their true identity.

Accountability says, “This choice caused harm, and we need to repair it.”

Shame says, “You are the harm.”

Children deserve adults who understand the difference.

And perhaps the quiet rebellion is choosing to become those adults—even if no one chose it for us.

The Magic of the In-Between: Why Growth Feels Uncomfortable

There is a space we don’t talk about enough.

It’s the space between who you were and who you’re becoming.
The space where nothing feels fully certain, but everything is shifting.

It’s uncomfortable.
It’s unclear.
And for many young people, it feels like something is wrong.

But this space….the in-between….is where the real work of growth happens.

Why the In-Between Feels So Hard

We live in a world that celebrates clarity.

We celebrate:

• Confidence

• Identity

• Success

• Knowing who you are

But we rarely talk about the process it takes to get there.

For youth and young adults especially, this creates pressure:

• Figure it out quickly

• Pick who you are

• Be sure of yourself

When they can’t do that (which is completely normal), they often internalize it as failure.

But the truth is:

Uncertainty is not a problem to fix. It is a phase to move through.

What’s Actually Happening Beneath the Surface

During times of transition, the brain and emotional system are actively reorganizing.

Young people are:

• Letting go of old identities

• Trying on new ones

• Reevaluating beliefs

• Testing boundaries

• Building independence

This is not linear. It is layered, messy, and often contradictory.

One day they feel confident.
The next day they feel unsure.

That doesn’t mean they’re lost.

It means they are becoming.

The Cultural Pressure to Skip the Middle

One of the biggest challenges young people and the neurodiverse face is the expectation to move through this phase quickly.

Social media amplifies this:

• Everyone seems sure

• Everyone seems confident

• Everyone seems “fully formed”

But what they don’t see is the in-between behind those moments.

So they begin to believe:

• I’m the only one who feels this way

• I should have this figured out by now

This is where anxiety and self-doubt start to take hold.

Not because they’re doing something wrong, but because they’re trying to rush a process that cannot be rushed.

Nature Doesn’t Rush and Neither Should We

If you look at nature, everything moves in cycles.

There are seasons of:

• Growth

• Rest

• Release

• Renewal

Nothing blooms all year.
Nothing transforms overnight.

The in-between seasons, like early spring or late autumn—are quiet, uncertain, and often overlooked. But they are essential. They are where preparation and transformation happen beneath the surface.

Young people are no different.

They are not meant to always be in a state of clarity or confidence.
They are meant to move through cycles.

What Young People and the Neurodiverse Actually Need in This Space

They don’t need to be rushed.

They don’t need to be told who they are.

They need:

• Permission to not have it all figured out

• Language to understand what they’re experiencing

• Space to explore without pressure

• Support that doesn’t try to control the outcome

When we remove urgency, something powerful happens:

They begin to trust themselves.

The Role of Adults and Mentors

This is often the hardest part.

Adults want to help.
They want to guide, fix, and support.

But in the in-between, the most impactful thing we can do is hold space instead of rushing resolution.

That looks like:

• Listening without immediately correcting

• Asking questions instead of giving answers

• Normalizing uncertainty

• Resisting the urge to label or define too quickly

Because the moment we rush them out of the in-between, we interrupt the very process that builds confidence and identity.

Why This Matters for Magical Rebels

At Magical Rebels, we don’t see the in-between as something to move through quickly.

We see it as something to honor.

This is where:

• Voice is discovered

• Identity is shaped

• Inner trust is built

For those who identify with the girl experience and lead a feminine lifestyle, this is especially important. Many have been taught to seek certainty outside of themselves—to look for validation, direction, or approval.

The in-between invites something different:

Coming back to yourself.

Final Thought

Growth does not happen in the moments where everything feels clear.

It happens in the moments where you’re unsure, questioning, and shifting.

The in-between is not a sign that you are lost.

It is a sign that something new is forming.

And if we can learn to sit in that space, without rushing, without fear, we begin to understand:

There is nothing wrong with becoming.

It was always meant to feel this way.

The Missing Piece: Spirituality in the Lives of Youth and Young Adults

There is a growing conversation happening, sometimes quietly, sometimes in very visible ways, about what today’s youth are missing.

They are more connected than any generation before them. They have access to information, communities, and perspectives at an unprecedented scale. They are aware, engaged, and deeply thoughtful. And yet, many young people are also navigating heightened levels of anxiety, disconnection, and uncertainty about who they are and where they belong.

When you look beneath the surface, one pattern begins to emerge:

Spirituality is often the missing piece.

Not religion, necessarily. Not doctrine or rules. But spirituality in its most essential form is a sense of connection to self, to meaning, to something larger than the immediate moment.

What Do We Mean by Spirituality?

Spirituality, in this context, is not about telling young people what to believe.

It’s about giving them space to explore:

• What feels meaningful to them

• How they understand their place in the world

• What values guide their choices

• How they process experiences beyond logic alone

It is the difference between simply existing and feeling connected and grounded within your own life.

For many youth today, that framework is missing.

Why Is It Missing?

There are several contributing factors:

1. The decline of traditional structures
Many families are less connected to organized religion or community-based belief systems than in previous generations. While this has created freedom and flexibility, it has also removed a built-in space where deeper questions were once explored.

2. A hyper-digital world
Young people are immersed in fast-paced, high-stimulation environments. Social media, constant communication, and comparison culture leave little room for stillness, reflection, or internal awareness.

3. A focus on performance over presence
Achievement, productivity, and external validation are often prioritized over internal development. Youth are taught how to succeed—but not always how to understand themselves. This report from the Girl Scouts of Northeast Texas paints a sad picture of the state of girls.

4. Lack of language for inner experience
Many young people feel deeply but lack the framework or vocabulary to process those feelings in a meaningful way.

What Happens When Spirituality Is Missing?

When there is no space for reflection, meaning, or connection, young people often experience:

• A sense of emptiness or lack of purpose

• Difficulty forming a stable sense of identity

• Increased anxiety or emotional overwhelm

• A reliance on external validation to define self-worth

This is what some describe as a spiritual void, not because something is wrong with them, but because something essential hasn’t been nurtured.

What Are They Reaching For Instead?

When spirituality is absent, young people don’t stop searching they redirect the search.

You see this in:

• The rise of alternative spiritual practices

• Interest in astrology, manifestation, and ritual

• Deep engagement with identity exploration

• A desire for experiences that feel meaningful, not just entertaining

These are not random trends. They are signals.

They point to a generation asking: “Where do I find meaning? Where do I belong? Who am I, really?”

The Opportunity for Adults and Mentors

The goal is not to replace one system with another or to define belief for them.

The goal is to create space.

Space where young people can:

• Reflect without judgment

• Ask questions without needing immediate answers

• Explore different perspectives respectfully

• Develop their own sense of meaning and connection

This can look like:

• Journaling or guided reflection

• Conversations about values and identity

• Time in nature and awareness of cycles

• Simple rituals that create pause and intention

• Modeling curiosity instead of certainty

Why This Matters for Magical Rebels

At Magical Rebels, spirituality is not about prescribing belief, it’s about reconnection.

Reconnection to:

• Voice

• Identity

• Inner knowing

• A sense of belonging that doesn’t require explanation

For those who identify with the girl experience and lead a feminine lifestyle, this work is especially important. Many have been taught to look outward for validation, to shrink, or to disconnect from their own intuition.

Spirituality, when approached in an open, inclusive way, helps restore that connection.

Final Thought

Young people are not lacking depth. They are not disinterested in meaning.

They are searching.

And when we recognize spirituality as a missing, but necessary, part of their development, we can begin to meet them differently.

Not by giving them all the answers.

But by helping them build the capacity to explore the questions that matter most.

The Spiritual Void and the Rise of Modern Witchcraft

Across generations, there are moments when people begin to feel a quiet but persistent absence—something missing beneath the routines, expectations, and structures of everyday life. This absence is often described as a spiritual void: a sense of disconnection from meaning, purpose, identity, or something larger than oneself.

For today’s youth especially, this feeling is becoming more visible.

They are growing up in a world that is highly connected digitally, yet often fragmented emotionally and spiritually. Traditional institutions, religious, cultural, and communal, no longer hold the same central role they once did for many families. At the same time, there is increased exposure to global perspectives, identities, and belief systems. The result is a generation that is both curious and untethered, seeking meaning, but not always finding it in conventional places.

This is where the conversation around modern witchcraft often emerges.

It’s important to understand that what is trending today under the label of “witchcraft” is not a single, uniform practice. For many, it is not about spells or supernatural power in the way media portrays it. Instead, it represents a broader movement toward personal spirituality, ritual, and self-defined belief systems.

So why is it resonating right now?

First, it offers agency.
In a world where many systems feel out of individual control, practices associated with witchcraft, journaling, intention-setting, working with cycles of the moon or seasons, give people a sense of participation in their own lives. It becomes less about being told what to believe and more about choosing what feels meaningful.

Second, it is deeply tied to nature and rhythm.
Many modern interpretations draw from seasonal cycles, earth-based traditions, and the idea that life moves in phases, growth, rest, release, renewal. For young people especially, this can feel grounding in contrast to the fast, constant pace of digital life. It reconnects them to something tangible and cyclical rather than linear and pressured.

Third, it creates space for identity exploration.
Spirituality, when approached outside rigid structures, allows individuals to ask: Who am I? What do I believe? What feels true to me? For youth navigating identity—whether gender, emotional, or social this openness can feel safer and more affirming than systems that prescribe answers.

Fourth, it fosters ritual and meaning-making.
Humans are wired for ritual. Even small, intentional acts- lighting a candle, setting a goal, reflecting on a phase of life can create a sense of significance and grounding. What some call “witchcraft” is often simply a structured way of creating those moments.

At the same time, it’s important to hold nuance, especially when guiding young people.

Not everything labeled as “witchcraft” online is rooted in understanding or respect for its origins. Some practices are borrowed, simplified, or commercialized in ways that disconnect them from their cultural or spiritual roots. This creates an opportunity for education: helping youth understand the difference between personal spiritual exploration and cultural appropriation or trend-driven behavior. We’ve done a deeper dive in our private youth coaching group about this because it is so important.

The goal is not to steer young people toward or away from any specific belief system.

The goal is to help them develop awareness.

To understand that:

• People choose beliefs for different reasons: community, tradition, identity, healing, or meaning

• Spirituality can take many forms, from structured religion to personal practice

• It is okay to explore, question, and evolve

• Respect for others’ beliefs and for the origins of practices is essential

In spaces like Magical Rebels, these conversations are not about defining what is “right.” They are about creating room for thoughtful exploration.

Because the presence of a spiritual void is not inherently negative.

It is often the beginning of a search.

And for many, what looks like a trend, like the rise of witchcraft, is actually a reflection of something deeper: a desire to reconnect, understand, and find meaning in a world that doesn’t always offer clear answers.

When we meet that curiosity with openness instead of fear, we give young people something far more powerful than answers.

We give them the tools to ask their own questions, and the confidence to explore what comes next.